The Female Body

          I hold true to the idea that one of the main reasons women hate their bodies so much is because we refer to our shapes in such lackluster terminology. Apple, ruler, inverted triangle? I mean, who really wants to be an inverted triangle? Who struts around feeling good about herself, knowing that everyone sees her as an inverted triangle? Answer: no one. That certain term has no love behind it, no appreciation for the warm form in question. The only body conscious vocabulary I've heard extolled in everyday conversation is the ever-coveted hourglass. And this is because women with hourglass shapes are foxy fine. But let's face the facts: every body shape is foxy fine. Seriously. 
          The female body is a wonder, full in peaks and valleys, with plenty of places to rest your hands for a while. In the many conversations I've had with the opposite sex on the topic of which shape looks best on a girl, the answer has almost always been unanimous: they just like girls. Period. All types, all shapes, all sizes. However, the girl does get bonus brownie points if she's confident in her skin, having a devil-may-care-I-do-what-I-want attitude. This girl eats bacon cheeseburgers while wearing leather pants and listening to One Direction on Spotify and not giving a damn who sees it on her Facebook. I'm not saying that being That Girl is easy. It's not. It takes practice in both self-indulgence and self-love. I know it sounds cheesy but really? The foundation for finding That Girl in you is how you treat yourself, how talk about yourself, how you compare yourself to others. 
          I understand the reasoning behind the body shape similes. It's easy to compare how certain areas of your body carry weight to how certain everyday objects look. Rulers are straight up and down. Pears hold most of their deliciousness in the lower part of the fruit. Hourglasses have 36 grains of sand in their upper half, 24 grains falling in the middle section, and 36 grains in the bottom. But why these items? They're so dull, dumpy, and unappealing. They're ordinary, and no woman should ever feel as if she's ordinary. I'm enacting a revolution, a redrafting of the confines in which we categorize the female form. Here are the candidates I'm pulling for:

Old Term: Ruler
Shape: Straight frame, shallow curvature, narrow hips and shoulders, delicate limbs
New Term: Kit Kat Bar
          "Mmm... Break me off a piece of THAT Kit Kat Bar..."

Old Term: Pear
Shape: Curvier lower stomach, hips, and thighs, usually has narrower shoulders and a small chest
New Term: Juicy (because, hello, that's what a pear is)
          "Juicy fruit is just what I was hungry for..."

Old Term: Inverted Triangle
Shape: Wide shoulders, tapering down the body into a straight waist, and narrow hips and thighs
New Term: Sugar Cone
          "I'd like to put some ice cream on top of THAT Sugar Cone..."

Old Term: Hourglass
Shape: Larger busts and shoulders, itty bitty waist, full hips, thighs, and bottom
New Term: Hourglass (this is one instance where the term ain't broke, so I ain't fixin' it)
          "I'd turn that Hourglass over and over and over again..."

Old Term: Busty
Shape: Voluptuous chest, straight lower half
New Term: Twin Pop (because your twins? They're popping.)
          "I'm not splitting that Twin Pop with anyone. She's all mine..."

Old Term: Apple
Shape: Holds weight around the middle torso, and hips and bust are roughly the same measurement
New Term: Rubenesque
          "That girl's a work of art... a Rubenesque masterpiece!"

          Now, I can see how some might find these terms a little offensive (especially with the borderline-pervy-old-man-three-beers-in comments I provided) but do you see what I'm trying to get at here? It's all about semantics. What you call yourself reflects on how you feel about yourself, which in turn reflects how other people see you. If you don't like my terms, choose some of your own! Just make sure they stay positive. The female body has taken a beating in the past few decades, and it's about time to take pride in the shapes we were born to fill. And while I am all about dressing for your shape and your proportions, you also have to dress for how you feel. I've come across a lot of magazines telling me I should be wearing fuller, A-line skirts if I'm concerned with my thighs. However, I've come to terms with the fact that I have a pretty great ass, and great asses look even better in pencil skirts. So, whatever Issue 54. I'm much more of a Joan than a Betty at heart, anyway.