I'm convinced I have one leukocyte. No matter what precautions I take, no matter how many of those baby antibacterial gels I buy at Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale, no matter how many zinc and echinacea tablets I throw down my gullet each and every morning, I always, always, always get sick during the winter. I know, you're probably thinking, "Getting a nasty cold at the end of the year is no big thing! It happens to everyone, silly goose." You obviously don't know me very well, so let me enlighten you on my health history. I once had laryngitis for three months. I've had strep throat upwards of nine times. I've been questioned on if I'm starting a meth lab due to the amount of pseudoephedrine I've had to purchase all at one time. I fainted in a Target bathroom and had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance. I finished and presented my senior capstone project while hopped up on a Z-pack and Mucinex to treat a case of walking pneumonia. If I get a bruise on my shin, chances are it will still be there next month. I could go on, but I'm afraid you'll catch something just by talking about it.
This past week, I've been battling my first cold of the season, which is saying something because I'm normally bedridden by October. It started off as an scratchy throat that annoyed me during a poetry reading that quickly developed into a beast with no name. The doctors didn't think it was the flu or strep throat (again) because I didn't have a fever, so they gave me the indispensable wisdom to rest and drink plenty of water and other liquids. Ironically, two things that I despise doing more than anything are resting and drinking water. While we're on the subject of illnesses, I should probably let you know that I have a pretty serious case of FOMO, or fear of missing out (Google it. I dare you. It's a real thing.) This causes me to have a go-go-go energy; I want to do all of the things at all of the times. I figure, I'm 22! I can juggle going out to the bar with my friends, learning Japanese, trekking to a new city to find the apartment of my dreams, working my shitty hostessing job, flowing through daily chaturanga, starting my own eco-friendly clothing line, and writing an academic article on the gender politics in fashion advertising all without sleep! Unfortunately, it is possible that this engines-hot-and-ready attitude is what landed me with an exhausted immune system in the first place, forcing my sorry ass onto the sofa, in front of an endless string of Sex and the City episodes and B-rated romantic comedies.
However, there comes a time in every quarantined girl's stay in the sick bay where she must go out into the real world. It could be a run to the only Chinese restaurant in the city (that, curiously enough, doesn't deliver) for a vat of hot and sour soup and a double batch of fortune cookies. Maybe she's desperate for mentholated bubble bath and the newest Cosmopolitan. And yes, from time to time there's even the occasional trip to the doctor's office when the going gets really rough. At times such as these one could slap on a mismatched sweatsuit, pull her hair into a topknot, wear her best Jackie O's, and conjure up a wet cough for anyone who may come close enough to recognize her. I, myself have resorted to this ensemble and it works like a charm: no one sits next to you on the bus, your prescription is filled in record time, and there's no need to change when you get back home for your napternoon. However, the side effect of this outfit is a deep depression that only bad fashion can bring a person. And with a stuffy nose/whooping cough/fever/upset stomach/other seemingly deadly symptom, who wants to be sad on top of all that? No one.
Thankfully, my house arrest has given me a lot of time to think about solutions to this clothing conundrum. I went with the theme of what-would-I-be-wearing-if-I-accidentally-was-locked-out-of-my-ski-lodge-with-only-a-cup-of-cocoa-for-company? The steps are simple, and can be adapted to anyone's closet. If you have to step out while your sick:
1.) Layer layers on top of other layered layers. Not only will this keep you warm and protected against the elements of this particularly wet and windy season, it also gives you the ability to take off clothes in the event of an unexpected fever without any indecent exposure charges. In my case, I made myself into one of those delicious multi-level crepe cakes: camisole under a ribbed tank top under my boyfriend's tee shirt under a giant (and ridiculously comfortable) sweater that I stole from my best friend. You might feel a little bit like a stuffed pepper, especially if you are trying to cram all of these layers into a relatively snug peacoat but believe me, you'll be thankful an hour later when you're sweating in a public coffee shop, trying to finish an overdue blog post.
2.) Wear the pants in the relationship. As you probably all know by now, if I could I would wear a skirt or dress for every and all occasions. However, no matter how many tights I put on these legs, they are just not as warm as a sturdy pair of skinny jeans. Look for heavier denim; some of those jeggings are really just jersey, painted indigo. If you're not feeling jeans, wool pants have been making a slow comeback with this (and next) seasons love of all things androgynous. Try a high-waisted charcoal or a glen plaid in a brown or toffee color with a paper bag waist, both of which are incredibly trendy and wicked toasty.
3.) Knits are neato. Not only have I been blessed with a best friend who taught me to see the beauty in particularly ugly sweaters, I also have a mother who knows her way around a knitting needle. She has made me two sweaters, two pairs of socks, and a sharp pair of dinosaur slippers. Through their influence, my own love of knits has grown substantially, which is great because that keeping warm idea I've been talking about? Knits are all about it. Much like Daisy sour cream, a dollop'll do ya. Try leg warmers, fingerless gloves, or a floppy beanie if you don't feel like committing to a whole sweater. Or, if you're particularly adventurous, put them all together. There's nothing wrong with looking like a United Colors of Benetton advertisement.
4.) Scarves against SARS. Okay, maybe not SARS but not only are scarves stylish, they also help prevent the spread of your nasty ass germs. As gross as it sounds, your scarf is something to sneeze into, cough into, and cry into if your cold medicine makes you as emotional as mine makes me. And bonus! A scarf is ten times prettier than that embroidered hankie that's been festering in your pocket since Thanksgiving. Look up some unusual ways to tie it up or tie it down on Pinterest so you can have a dash of fun with your function. (I mean, what else are you going to do while your sick besides scroll through endless pins? Put that obsession to good use, biddies.)
5.) For goodness sake, put on a pair of socks. Someone once told me that if you're cold and if you focus on warming up your hands and feet first, the rest of your body will naturally follow their lead. I think this is a big bunch of bologna but I can attest to the fact that having cold feet might be the most uncomfortable feeling in the world, besides sitting in a wet swimsuit in a car that has fabric-covered seats. And again, do you want to feel more uncomfortable than you already do in your hacky-snotty-hazy daze? No. You can go the route of wearing fun socks that will make your tired soul smile every time you happen to gaze at your feet; this works well with moccasins, Converse, Vans, and other super casual footwear. If your wearing boot(ie)s, go for a thick boot sock that you can bunch up around the top. If you favor ballet flats, wear socks that match your shoes. Above, I paired a black sock with a black shoe so not to break up the line of my foot. Another bonus to wearing the ballet flat-sock-leg warmer combo? You look like an off-duty ballerina. Even when they're sick, off-duty ballerinas are significantly more graceful than even the healthiest average human being. Suddenly the weather you're under doesn't seem so bleak, does it Swan Queen?
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