I am a chronic collector. I think having collections not only puts your interests out on display but also shows your level of commitment and devotion to something in your life. Someone doesn't go out and buy every ceramic Precious Moments statue just for kicks and giggles. She has to have some sort of special attachment to these dopey-eyed icons, some sort of fond memory of them from her past. Collections can become personal quests: all of a sudden you become Indiana Jones, on the hunt for 1940s china sets before the Nazis can get their grubby hands on them for the Fuehrer's dinner party. Collections perpetuate determination, and can also come together through the helping hand of others. Friends and family will see your burgeoning passion and suddenly develop an unquenchable thirst to be a part of it. Or maybe they can't find anything else to get you for Christmas. Either way, you have a new scorpion suspended in amber. Winning.
I'm a pretty passionate person and I also like pretty much everything. Annoying when it comes to making a decision of what movie to watch, awesome when starting a collection. I have one for unicorns, dinosaurs, wine, and tights among many others. However, ask any of my close friends what my biggest collection is (besides the contents of my closet, obviously) and they would- hands down- all give you one answer: magazines.
There are two major problems with magazines during the months of June, July, and August. First, they're incredibly stingy. Fashion kind of takes a hiatus during the summer in order to get its wits about it in preparation for The September Issue. The editors give it the good ol' college try for these three issues but usually they remind me of a term paper I once wrote while hungover, forty-five minutes before it was due. Second, the scant pages that devoted readers do get are hardly filled with any type of fashion. Approximately 4% is devoted to the weird middle child of style called "resort," 7% features the usual tips on how to get a tan without winding up a cancerous saggy saddlebag, 3% contains book and movie reviews (that are much less reviews and more advertisements-disguised-as-a-culture-section) and 86% is given to articles, pictures, diagrams, and checklists of varying sizes promising you countless ways to achieve the perfect bikini body.
Woof.
As Labor Day approaches, I bet some of you are still eating bowl after bowl of Special K in front of the mirror while wearing your bathing suit. I'm going to save you all the trouble and tell you exactly "what you'll gain when you lose": paranoia and dependency. These crash diets and crazy eating schemes might work to prepare you for a weekend away in Cabo but I assure you that once you're in paradise, eating all of that glorious resort food and drinking all of those adult beverages you're going to puff up. Your body's not going to know what to do with all of that food that isn't a processed grain dipped into some strange preservative and shoved into a dark cardboard box. Then, you're going to look at yourself in the mirror, feel bad about all of the choices you made, and vow never to slip into a two piece ever again, ashamed that other people had to see you like that in the first place.
See you like what, I ask? Having a blast? Absorbing necessary vitamin D? Cooling off in the unyielding ocean or calm pool? Letting loose for one moment in your all-too-constricted life? Let's get real here: wearing a bikini is like being allowed to wear your underwear in public, and who doesn't want to do that when it's hot as hell out? Getting the perfect bikini body involves one simple step: putting on a bikini.
I'm going to relay the same message I did in my female body post: we are all worth celebrating. There is 0% of the population that looks like you. None. You are a unique composition of cells and molecules, a collector's item of a human being. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so what's the point of beating yourself up over a silly little thing such as what you look like in a bathing suit. I'm certain no one reading this stands in favor of domestic violence, and your relationship with yourself should be just as peaceful and loving. Now, if it's a matter of getting healthy, that is a different story. Everyone should try and watch what they eat and get some sort of physical activity in their lives in order for their bodies to function to their fullest potential. However, your body shape can only be healthily manipulated in a handful of ways. Genetically, some people are meant to be heavier than others, just like some people are taller and some people have the ability to grow a beard in an afternoon. Talk to your doctor if you're concerned about your wellness and she'll be able to help you get back on track.
One's wellness goes far beyond the physical. It's been said time and time again that confidence is the key to pulling off any look, and especially so in the case of a scant bathing suit. While it's normally easier said than done, I have two tricks when it comes to building your summer swimwear sass. First, find a suit that you really, really like. If you're a classy girl at heart, you don't have to wear that rainbow glitter zebra print that everyone else is wearing. If you're Ke$ha, maybe that retro cut polka dot top isn't going to stir your wild spirit animal. The swimsuit has branched out tremendously from the tropical florals I knew and loved as a child. There is a suit to fit everyone's fancy so that can no longer be an excuse, little miss. Second, after you find said perfection, wear it all of the time. No, seriously. I'll eat breakfast, bake, grab the mail, dance, open the door for the pizza delivery boy, text, and watch countless hours of Millionaire Matchmaker while wearing my new bikini. I feel very Megan Draper, which is weird but really can't be a bad thing. Now, I'm not saying you have to invite friends over and go all Beach Blanket Bingo in your backyard. This is an exercise that you can (and probably should) do on your own. It forces you to wrestle with your insecurities and at one beautiful point, you will realize that these insecurities are really just whatever. After about the third day of online shopping in your suit, you'll start to recognize just how much of a babe you really are. (I mean, look at you. How did you not see that already?) You'll become familiar with your body, its curves and softness, its muscles and flexibility. You start to appreciate the way you sit, the way you hold yourself. You become proud but more importantly, you become comfortable. You start to recognize yourself as someone who is capable of wearing a bikini.
I'm not going to lie to you and say that picking out a swimsuit is easy. It's not. Luckily, this isn't my first time at the rodeo. I have compiled a lovely list to get you through this herculean task as quickly as possible. You've got places to go and heads to turn:
1.) Modesty is always an option. Some people prefer one piece suits, that's just who they are. Some ladies aren't comfortable with the amount of skin a bikini shows in public. It could be a religious thing or maybe they just want to leave a little more to the imagination, be a little more mysterious. Needless to say, one pieces can be just as frustrating to find and feel comfortable in. You can still use the following tips if you fall into this humble category of gals.
2.) Function first and foremost. Women were blessed with these things called breasts. Some breasts are Gwen Stefanis and some are Katy Perrys. All of them are amazing and all of them should be treated like close friends: well-supported. Buy a bikini top like you would buy a bra. That strapless number may look amazing on the rack but does it look as good on your rack. Will you be able to play a pickup game of volleyball, or get pummelled by the waves in it? Does it accentuate your body in the best way possible, or leave you self-conscious that you're letting it all hang out? Do you feel sexy, or saggy like a grandma in Atlantic City? Look at your current bra for clues. If you are supported physically, you'll feel more supported in your confidence.
3.) After function, shop for shape. Although the two piece does not offer a lot of fabric to work with, the cut of a bikini can make all the difference. For example, my proportions tend to be a little bit boxier than some and my chest isn't necessarily the star of the Jojo show. This being said, when I try on a sporty bandeau top, I look like I was caught streaking on national television and they had to place a big bar over my girly parts. Not flattering, and not celebratory to the beautiful bird that I am. However, put me in a demi-coverage, v-neck top and a bottom that has pattern and other types of embellishment, and all of a sudden I'm Bridget Bardot. Cuts, color, and add-ons can do wonders. Bottoms that have ties sitting directly on the hip elongate the line of a shorter and/or more muscular leg. Triangle tops mimic the lines of cleavage, helping the less chest-invested through the magic of illusion. Ruffles anywhere automatically draw the eye to that area so if you want to fake an hourglass figure, I suggest you go whole hog on them. Focus on what you want to accentuate versus what you want to hide. Once you find a suit that helps those bits and bobs shine, you'll wonder why you haven't been wearing one all along.
4.) Play around with color and pattern. Ladies, there was a song written about a girl who wore a particularly striking swimsuit. I believe it was yellow, and I believe there were polka dots involved. I'm just putting it out there that you might be immortalized in the music universe if you go for that flamingo pink suit with the pineapple motif. You'll never know what you'll like until you try.
5.) Finish the shopping trip with some champagne. Finding the perfect swimsuit is a lot like winning an Oscar. Unleash your inner Jennifer Lawrence and celebrate appropriately.
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